Obviously I don't truly feel that way, but for the sake of this comical post, just humor me!
In my 7 years of parenting if I’ve managed to conclude one thing, it’s that kids beds are overrated!
You see, my children tend to avoid them like the plague! Apparently there are drastically better, more comfortable options providing better sleeping positions.
#1 The Sleep Dangle
The Sleep Dangle is characterized by one hanging or swinging loosely from an object while sleeping. The Sleep Dangle has been noted to happen in both supine and prone positions. This position is often associated with an onslaught of extreme tiredness, skipped naps, or over exhaustion from temper tantrums. Handle with caution and move your subject slowly into a normal sleeping position. Failure to do so may result in wakening your subject prematurely. Risks include screaming, crying, delirium, and regret.
#2 The Sweat Slumber Stack
The Sweat Slumber Stack is characterized by the overlapping of subjects while sleeping, often accompanied by puddles of sweat. The Sweat Slumber Stack has been noted to happen in numerous positions, often introducing new positions with each session. This position is associated with late night playing, and only occurs with 2 or more subjects. Gently separate your subjects and apply cool, indirect air.
#3 The Indecisive Snooze
The Indecisive Snooze is characterized by the apparent need to rest on more than one surface type. This position typically manifests itself with a limb or torso on carpet (or other softer texture) while other body parts span across a harder, cooler surface. The Indecisive Snooze has been noted to take place in supine, prone, and side positions. This position is often associated with crankiness and the inability to get settled. It is best to leave your indecisive subject in this position until they have reached a deep sleep, as stirring them too soon increases your risk of an untimely awakening. This could possibly result in a flair up of irritability and crankiness. Heed warning signs and proceed with caution.
#4 The Hard Floor Shuteye
The Hard Floor Shuteye is characterized by one snoozing on THE most comfortable surface there is. Obviously Hard Floor. Examples of the perfect floor are tile, hardwood, stone, and even vinyl will typically do the trick. There is currently no known cause for Hard Floor Shuteye, though frequent occurrences take place and without warning. There are no known side effects but it is particularly important to watch for pools of drool, as it could create a slippery surface.
# 5 The Highchair Coma
The Highchair Coma is characterized by sudden and intense drowsiness, accompanied by head bobs and the the inability to stay sitting upright. Finally it is followed by a brief, coma-like state. The Highchair Coma is usually triggered by a full stomach, with the variation of coma lengths differing from subject to subject. In the event of witnessing a Highchair Coma, it is advisable to check for unswallowed food to prevent choking. Once cleared, carefully move your subject to their Hard Floor Shuteye or Indecisive Snooze positions.
#6 Mistaken Identity Repose
This incredibly rare phenomenon tends to take place in a state of delirium. Mistaken Identity Repose is characterized by your subject falsely viewing a bed as something far more comfortable, such as hard floors or highchairs. It is strongly recommended that you leave your subject in this position until they wake on their own. Moving them could cause slight embarrassment, leaving them to question their decision making skills. Pretending you did not witness this event is preferred.
You will not always find your subjects in the same sleeping position. Handle each one with individual care, referring to the above methods in how to proceed.
In the event that your subject unexpectedly wakes mid transition, be well prepared for the unpredictable. Always, always, ALWAYS have lots of patience, hugs, and kisses on hand.
There you have it, friends! Now share with me why YOUR kids beds are overrated!! I know you all have some hilarious pictures to share!